folkooc | Monthly Texts From Last Night Meme

yeah it kinda is. like i don't think it's traumatic, generally? but it's pretty unnecessary. it really caught on for 'cleanliness' with americans for quite a while but it's bullshit.

i do, yeah. it's part of my religion. dirk doesn't, no. and not that weird, actually, at least among friends.

whoa. that's heavy shit. i hope they figure it out.

i doubt you're frigid. you probably just need a connection, yeah. like someone who can maybe be a little patient and experimental.

that's weird. what the fuck is americans

i have t0 write d0wn all this essential penis inf0. 0kay. c00l. d0 y0u want t0 ask me ab0ut my genitals? is this a trade 0ff thing

if y0u ever meet them d0 n0t repeat this but they are b0th ann0yingly capable and intelligent. they were 0ur best bets at acc0mplishing this s0 i'm glad it was them and n0t s0me 0f 0ur 0ther m0r0nic waste 0f life friends.

n0 i really am a fucking prick. y0u are pr0bably als0 right in that. i have m0stly had shall0w tumultu0us relati0nships. i have n0t been mentally stable en0ugh f0r m0st healthy relati0nships and my m0rtality has a h0rrible track rec0rd and being the mage of d00m is fucky s0 it's a l0t 0f bad g0ing against me like fucking always.

ugh like here i am bitching ab0ut my r0mantic hist0ry with s0me rand0m guy i just met. wait. assuming y0u are a guy, actually. i didn't mean t0 assume y0ur gender like that. my bad.

oh sorry. america is a country. it's where i'm from.

uhm you said you had a nook? so i assume it's an opening?

i understand that feeling. and i promise to keep it secret on the slim chance i do.

that actually is a lot not in your favour. but you seem like you're more stable now, so that might make a difference.

oh it's ok. yeah i'm a guy. are you? i kinda assumed too based on your picture.

0kay c00l i can remember that. pr0bably. i'm fr0m alternia which is the planet.

yep. all tr0lls have a n00k and a bulge. the bulge is kind 0f like a tentacle. i'm a little unusual since i have tw0 and m0st tr0lls just have 0ne. th0ugh it's n0t that sh0cking. my t0ngue is f0rked t00. it's the wh0le fucking theme thing again.

thanks. i will kill y0u if y0u d0 n0t. 0r at least t0rment y0u f0r ten years.

yeah but 0nly because i turned my 0wn fucking eyes int0 pulverized jam. there is kind 0f a weird c0smic buzz in my head but it's better than what was there bef0re.

really? (That makes Sollux smile a little bit.)

yes. i identify as male. thank you.

man the universe is so vast. i've never even heard of alternia.

so essentially gender is like, even more of a construct for you guys? if everyone has the same equipment. that's cool. god don't tell strider about your tentacle situation, you'll o on his sexy bingo card. he literally has one, dude.

i'm used to that.

OK true. and that sucks. but at least you were proactive about it.

really.

no problem, dude.

yeah well we technically created y0ur universe. alth0ugh i believe there are different branches 0f meta we can't c0unt f0r.

it's kind of a c0nstruct and kind 0f m0re c0mplex than it seems t0 be f0r humans. we have a wider variety 0f gendered traits. s0me female tr0lls devel0p thicker chest plates which i guess l00ks similar t0 h0w human females have wider chests. females tend t0 be m0re aggressive and vi0lent. 0ur ruler is always a female fuschia bl00d.

i guess we d0 n0t c0ntain all 0f 0ur gender stuff t0 0ur genitalia the way humans d0. i was technically b0rn "female" by tr0ll standards but whatever. i guess my b0dy is a l0t m0re slender than the b0rn males 0f my kind. i m0stly try t0 ign0re the differences. alth0ugh it is pr0bably why my hair l00ks better than m0st 0f my male friends l0l.

0h g0d. i w0n't. i fully believe that. humans are such weird0s ab0ut sex.

y0u are a l0t less ann0ying than m0st humans i have met.

if y0u ever want t0 g0 d0wn 0n me i pr0mise i w0n't scr0ll f0xi :P (Sollux!! Don't be crude.)

so the big bang theory is horseshit?

does anyone give you shit about being born female?

what i'm hearing is you're an alien twink, dude.
your hair is super nice. i'm jealous.

we are but he's really horned up in particular.

thank you!

i'm actually pretty confident i could do better than that other guy. i'm very competitive.

basically. c0ngratulati0ns y0u are the pr0duct 0f s0me idi0t tr0ll children playing a vide0 game.

n0t really. i was lucky. my lusus always was g00d ab0ut n0t misgendering me 0r using my deadname. being an em0ti0nally unstable p0wer keg kind 0f keeps pe0ple in line heh.

0mg. hehe. thank y0u. i will take twink. what d0es that make y0u?

yeah. the striders are really obsessed with that shit.

w0w. (He's not blushing...!)

that was actually really sm00th what the fuck. c0l0r me intrigued. heh.

honestly not much weirder than being the product of a god who is like 'you're my chosen people so i am going to fuck you EXTRA hard.'

what's a lusus is that like a guardian?

i'm a hot mess tbh. by human standards i'm not very attractive tbh. and people don't like redhead guys much.

god the other one is too? great.

can't lie, that's probably the smoothest i have ever been or ever will be lol. but you're the first alien i've ever met who wasn't like, super weird.

is that y0ur real g0d in y0ur universe? s0unds lame.

yeah basically. cust0dian. it's basically a giant m0nster that half raises us while we partially raise them. like. z00keepers. teaches us resp0nsibility and shit.

i'm blind s0 it's n0t really like y0ur l00ks matter 2 me. *t0
damn it

why d0n't they like redhead guys?

i haven't really talked t0 either 0f them extensively but i kn0w dave had a thing f0r excessive dick j0kes. karkat said it was the pr0duct 0f internalized h0m0ph0bia whatever the fuck that is.

i'm pretty sure i c0nstitute as super weird. is y0ur 0ffer 0n the 0ral sex legit th0?

yup. i'm jewish and our god is frankly kinda a total dick.

is it an animal?

ok point but still. i wouldn't want to lie to you.

we're sort of a genetic aberration, i guess. redheaded girls are either hated or fetishized, but guys are mostly just universally disliked.

oh, yeah. humans are kinda bad for that. the internalized homophobia, i mean.

i admit i'm not really usually one for casual hookups but like
you ARE a hot alien? when will i get that chance again?

jewish?

basically. m0re like a m0nster. human animals are much gentler than 0urs.

yeah, i d0n't think y0u w0uld, actually. y0u seem like a c00l en0ugh guy.

0h. that's fucked up. well i like y0u just fine. i bet the red isn't even that bad.

apparently. that sucks. tr0lls are all naturally int0 all genders. i guess s0me have preferences but m0stly n0 0ne cares ab0ut that stuff.

heh. y0u are cute and smart. pr0bability is l0w f0r b0th 0f us. i've always w0ndered what my friends saw in the cr0ss species appeal. d0 y0u want t0 c0me 0ver?

yeah, it's a human religion/culture.

ok i'm picturing like godzilla.

thank you.

it's the combo of red AND curly that really seals my fate, i think.

it's getting better slowly? like humans are still shitty but we can at least have conversations now about sexuality and gender.

yeah. yeah that would be cool.

huh. wild. religi0n is s0 weird. g00d t0 kn0w th0.

l0l that's n0t c0mpletely 0ff base. imagine a very white g0dzilla. 0ur lusus and beasts are all white like b0nes.

huh. curly is c00l th0ugh. i'll have t0 feel it f0r myself.

better than tr0lls f0r bl00d then haha. but we just like any excuse t0 fuck each 0ther up i think.

c00l. i have n0 fucking idea where i am technically. i think i am in will0w. but like...h0ld 0n. i'm g0nna just.

(Gently hack Kyle's phone to pull up a GPS like app on his phone and imput his location correlating to wherever Sollux's Relic is transmitting from. There ya go, buddy. A one way route to a good alien dicking.)

it really fucking is, dude.

whoa. that's striking, honestly.

i'm giving you permission to laugh at it.

huh ok that's a point. god so much sentient life is focused on turning everything into a power-over situation. we're so stupid.

oh, dope. i'm close to the lakes. i shouldn't be long.

[He sits there a moment, letting it sink in that he's really going to do this. Who the fuck IS he, lately?

Someone sick of being overlooked, maybe. So he gets his ass in gear.

i think i'm here.

y0u are really d0rky heh.

thank y0u. i w0uld have laughed anyway if i wanted t0 but i appreciate that. i'm sure i w0n't.

right? fucking dumb as bricks. we sh0uld all just be 0bliterated and let salamanders take 0ver. their simple c0gnitive skills are superi0r purely by virtue 0f n0t being ann0ying as fuck.

sweet.

(Sollux lives in an alarmingly cozy little cottage surrounded by wildflowers and bees. It's not exactly what one might picture a violent alien to reside in, but this Sollux was hoping for a quieter, calmer life and he liked the company of bees.

He wasn't really one for casual hook-ups either but he can't help but be curious about this human Kyle guy.

Sollux has moved himself outside onto the bench in the front. Big purple bees are humming around his head and he seems happy with their company. His ears prick up at the chime from his Relic. Instead of responding, he speaks up:)

Hello?

yeah. i am.

it's ok if you do.

some days i completely agree with you.

[Kyle looks over at the voice, smiling when he sees the same face from the photo he'd been sent. In person Sollux actually looks cute as hell, if completely alien. He walks over.]

Hey, dude! This place is awesome.

[He stops just a little in front of Sollux, actually a little less nervous than he thought he'd be because Sollux can't actually see him.]

Hi. Thankth.

(His lisp is immediately evident but the reason why it exists is obvious too: the dude has some serious fangs protruding from his mouth and an actual split tongue. Who the hell wouldn't have a lisp under those conditions?

He stares at Kyle sightlessly, his ears twitching slightly and nose twitching as he leans onto other senses to make sure he was looking in the right direction.

He raises a hand, clawed fingers and rather thin in shape, and reaches out to touch Kyle's chest.)

It thmelled nithe tho I figured there would be a lot of beeth. (Hand idly drifting over Kyle's body to get a feel of how big he actually was. His other hand comes up and he's careful as he scopes out Kyle's neck, jawline. When he gets to his ears, he marvels over the round shape rather than the pointed shape. Then Kyle's nose- which he outright squeezes.)

Heh. Thith ith cute.

You like bees?

[Kyle is immediately enchanted by the minute movements of Sollux's nose and ears, and then again by his hands. The claws and fangs certainly look dangerous, but he doesn't flinch when Sollux moves close and touches him.

He stays still, suddenly quite aware of his heartbeat. When his nose is squeezed he laughs.]

Thanks. You've got nice hands.

Dude. Beeth are my fuckin' thing. Back on Alternia, I had hiveth of them. I'm trying to recreate beehiveth here too.

(He could nerd on forever about bees. For now, he has a cute guy in his hands that he is more focused on. He smiles when Kyle laughs, deciding he likes the sound of it rather quickly, and his hands carefully move up. He's careful of his claws around Kyle's eyes and moves to his hair.

Oh. It is curly. His expression transforms into a look of genuine wonder. Trolls mostly had dense, straight hair. Some wavy. Aradia's had been a bit like sheep's wool. This wasn't that coarse, but...He moves his fingers through it and then...

Promptly gets a claw tangled.)

Agh-! Thit - thorry-

(He...is...turning a bit golden in the face.)

Really? That's so cool. Yeah, I bet you could get supplies to make a whatcacallit, apiary?

[Kyle's a little better about how haircare now than when he was a kid - he used conditioner now, anyway, - but the curls on top of his head remain tight and unruly.

He snorts.]

It's okay, I should have warned you. Hang on...

[His hands move over Sollux's, disentangling them with a practiced ease.]

You think this is bad, you should have felt it when I used to wear it longer.

I think it'th my clawth- (And being blind and messy. Whoops. He smiles when Kyle untangles his hand though.)

Thankth. I like how it feelth.

(He kind of wanted to put his hand right back in but resists the urge.)

You theem really cute to me. I like how big you are. It ith imprethive. Do you wanna go inthide? It'th probably a meth. (He......has not gotten his hands on a cane yet. So!)

Yeah, it is.

[Which seem like very nice claws to Kyle - they make Sollux's hands look weirdly elegant. And his lisp somehow does not make him think of Scott Malkinson.]

Well, I'm tall. Not like, jacked or anything. ['Impressive' he says! That makes Kyle all warm and happy.]

Yeah, sure. I'm sure it's not that bad.

You're really cute, too. You blush gold?

(Thank fuck for small miracles. It probably helps having some weird alien accent going along with it.)

Bigger than me. (Sollux smiles toothily up at Kyle. He liked that. He had never cared all that much about looks in general. It was about the person.)

It probably lookth like a blind troll tried to organize thit.

(So!

At being called cute, he grins wider.)

Who the fuck thaid I'm bluthing? (He absolutely is! He slides his hands away from Kyle but a moment later he holds Kyle's bicep lightly.)

The door ith unlocked if you want to lead the way.

(It...would be easier. He wasn't used enough to his own home to feel confident in moving around in it on his own. If he led he would just walk into a wall.)

But...I do have gold. Tho if I theoretically bluthed it would be gold.

[Vagiely Nordic lispiness. It's oddly charming. Like that toothy smile, which Kyle can't help but return.]

Okay, probably. But I'm not gonna judge you for THAT.

[He puts a hand over Sollux's, because he's a gentleman. He begins walking toward the door.]

Sure.

Right, you're not blushing, but if you DID, it would be like your blood colour. Makes sense.

Edited 2022-05-30 06:10 (UTC)

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kyle gettin boned up for trolls in all universes he meets em is a good song

It IS!

Re: It IS!

Re: It IS!

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